Writing a bio of oneself in the third person engenders a sense of one’s own mortality (due mostly to the avoidance of cliché). Doing the same in the first person will lead one to a place that smacks of pretension. Presenting a bio in the second person will probably read as an irrational attempt to avoid accepted forms. Let’s do that.

You are Kevin Newman. You were born, lived and will probably die in that middle section of Ontario, Canada. This area appears on maps and is easiest to find by looking for Toronto and then looking slightly north. It’s not quite north enough to be Northern Ontario, nor is it really Southern Ontario: it’s just this boring (read: picturesque) chunk roughly in the middle of the province that’s nice to drive through.

“What?” You lean forward. “This isn’t making sense.”

Well, shut up and keep reading because... Uh, it doesn’t get better, but it’ll end soon.

Let’s explore why you have a website:

1) You have something to say, like everyone else these days: voila! Blog

2) You’ve written a novel and are trying to get published: awesome! Products

3) You’re a pretty good photographer and want to display your work: jeepers! Photography and more products